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December 26, 2008 (Friday): I can't even think. I wanted to be mad and vent... but I'm just neutral - or maybe numb is a better word. I'm tired of hearing about everyone that got engaged over the holidays and how many people are getting married. That's a crappy attitude... I know... but I'm just aggravated. What in the world do I have to do in order for it to be MY turn??? How many prayers do I have to pray... how many dreams to I have to dream... how many wishes... how many shooting stars... how many 11:11's on the clock...I've done everything I know to do. I've fallen on my knees and asked for at least some guidance here. I've prayed that if it isn't meant to be that I'll find the strength to get away from it. I've prayed that if it is meant to be that God will just let it be SOON. I'm frustrated and I don't know where to go or what to do next. Do I just sit around and wait? Do I get up and change directions? Do I talk it out or keep it to myself? All I know is... something's gotta give. December 25, 2008 (Thursday): I've decided that sometimes love just sucks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it or if I even can, but I know it's driving me crazy. I can't handle the ups and downs anymore. Some things are just so hard when there's no need for them to be. Why I keep fighting it, I'll never know. Maybe it's time to just let it go and see if things get any easier. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to nothing... and nothing is what I get in return. I'm so tired of running circles and dreaming of far off places. I think I'm tired... the holidays are over... and it's time for a fresh start. I just don't know what needs to go and what needs to stay. February 5, 2006 (Sunday): I stayed home today and rethought everything I had just thought about yesterday...and that's a lot of thinking. I decided that I do need to know that love is not necessarily "real" but "there". I know when love is real...but I need to know that it is going to stay there. I need reassurance that the one I can't live without has no intentions of living without me. Sounds pathetic, huh? Well, maybe so, but whatever makes you content is the key to making things work. Wonder what it is that makes a guy so scared to say "yes, I want to be the one that's there for you." Is it a fear of failure, a fear of hurt, fear of the time they might put into it and then be let down? What in the world can make a guy who's strong and confident shy away from a woman that makes him melt with her touch. I thought about it, and I decided that some guys need to be "coaxed". Not pressured...but "coaxed". How many years do you need to spend waiting for the fear to ease? When is it time to make a decision? And really...is there a decision at all to make when your heart is in it? Why can't you just let go and give in to what you're heart wants. I suppose it's a scary thing when you've been hurt before. But some things in this life are just flat out worth the risk. I decided that if I'm willing to risk my heart to a guy who's scared and could back out any minute...then does he really have anything to fear at all? Actions speak louder than words. February 4, 2006 (Saturday): So, I was in deep thoughts all evening and I began to rethink love itself. What makes it the kind that you never want to let go? Is it just the comfort zone that makes you attached, or is it the person behind that? I'm beginning to wonder if I can live without what I can't seem to live without. Is it enough to know you have someone who makes you smile, or do you need proof that it is real. And who decides what makes it real? To me, when I wake up happy and go to bed happy and think of that person all day, it's real. But my problem is, do I want "real" or am I waiting for that illusion that says "this is love because it has all the parts that love should be". Maybe love isn't a standard set of "I love you's" and kisses. Maybe it's having someone that you can't live without...and wouldn't even want to. It's someone that when you're so mad you can't walk away because you still want to be close to them. Maybe it's a lot less complicated that it really should be. Maybe there isn't just "the one" for you in the world...maybe there are hundreds that would make you happy. But why keep searching when you've found something that you can't imagine being without.
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Illustrations by my favorite artist, Alfred Gockel. Visit his site at gockelfineart.com. |
